That Little Wiener Millhouse.
Back away, not today, disco lady.
So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.
OMG ITS BACK
This shit needs to be published.
This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.
so i think we found aziz ansari’s cousin harris’s tumblr.
What I mean when I say “I can’t do that”- Anxiety Version:
- I am unable to do that
- I am too stressed out to do that
- I cannot face the humiliation of attempting to do that
- My body will physically not allow me to do that
- I am on the verge of a panic attack
- I cannot do that
What people hear:
- I am unwilling to do that
- I am just shy
- I am overreacting
- I am lazy
- I need to get more experience in social situation to help my anxiety
- I need a push
- I don’t want to do that
Inspired by X
Fox Nation turns five years old this week. We compiled some of their most insane headlines.
Franny’s main men. Oh yes, they’re available for all the main barricade boys.
Proud to hang up the whistle one last time @matildabroadway Thank you Agatha. It was a treat and an honor Madam. #NowGetOut #gomaggots
I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING SHUT UP fuck i am gonna miss ben
I cant tell who looks more done
me trying to make a joke in a group of people i don’t know well.
here is my unofficial recap of this episode:
so brain’s cousin Cheikh is from Dakar, Senegal and he is either visiting or being shipped off to america
he goes to d.w.’s preschool and she jumps up obnoxiously and basically does some exposition where she explains…
this episode is shitty as hell for so many reasons, but you know what bugs me the most?
dw, it is not “YOUR AFRICA,” you are not african. sit down, shut up, and let cheikh talk. uh, sing.
also, as you say, it’s condescending as hell, and the song is just really fucking annoying.
arthur used to be educational about facts AND cultural sensitivity without being awful about it. that’s something i really miss about it.
I also really think DW’s shittiness needs to be called out more often. She’s obnoxious, inconsiderate, and pretentious as hell. I know there has to be a “how not to behave” character but she’s overdoing it.
hi i didn’t know you also had strong feelings about arthur that is awesome!!!!
anyway, yeah, dw is horrible. and i think the tibbles are meant to be the “how not to behave,” and dw and francine, somehow, are meant to be “good” characters when they’re total assholes. dw was fine - well, not fine, but tolerable - when she was a minor character, the annoying little sister. now half the episodes per season are centered around her and preschool.
i get that i’m not exactly the show’s target audience, but at the same time, dw is not a character i would have enjoyed as a child, either. she’s a spoiled brat who consistently gets away with murder. i never found that fun or funny - as a kid who generally tried to be well-behaved it pissed me off when characters avoided the consequences i would’ve gotten.
though i’ve been off the arthur love train since my dad passed. watching it alone is no fun. i catch new episodes when i can, but it’s not much fun - and the flash animation is just hideous.
Omg my feelings on Arthur are legendary. I didn’t know you were all about it either! My kids at work are addicted to it and I’m so not into this new stuff. DW and Callilou both need to be shipped to the moon so they can whine at each other there
i can’t blame it on kids - i got addicted as a teen when the show first started and never stopped watching! such a good show. my dad was really into it, too.
i’ve only seen a couple minutes of caillou here and there, but jesus fuck that voice alone makes me pity any parent or caregiver whose kid watches that.